dont even know

im sick and tired of
the same lines
the same moves
the same bullshit

its no wonder i am so jaded,
its no wonder i am wary of all intimate feeling, of all emotion.
its no wonder i can no longer say "i miss you too",
its no wonder i can no longer look someone in the eyes when they tell me im beautiful, or believe them for that matter...
its no wonder i am...

who i am.

alphabet painting

paint me a picture with beautiful diction
paint me a portrait with perfect connotation
paint me a mural of personal philosophy

use truth as your medium

make each stroke distinct and witty

yet leave each design abstract
leave me to analyze your creative symphony of color

graze my eyelids with your fingertips,
close them gently,
show me your ability to create beauty and meaning
relevence and purpose
opinion and insight

baffle me

snowflake

"snowflake" the saying that not one snowflake is exactly alike...

i had an interesting conversation last night with a friend/old flame. how i wish i could believe it. however, if i did believe it true, it wouldn't change a thing. you're that one person i would definitely say i fell hardest for. although you unmistakably make me angry for reasons i am not aware of. and you throw these things in my face, things like i said i do want to believe, but don't. things that whether true or not, will have the same outcome. all that remains.. the "what if" factor. the sad thing is.. through everything...

i do still wonder.

"its not your responsibility..."

my mom just literally told me its not my responsiblity to help someone out, to do something kind for them...

its terrible that when you attempt to do something out of the ordinary as in help someone out in a bigger way than usual, people ask why...

thanks austin

Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me Too
from the book "Where the Sidewalk Ends" (1974)

Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me tooWent for a ride in a flying shoe.
"Hooray!"
"What fun!"
"It's time we flew!"
Said Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me too.

Ickle was captain, and Pickle was crew
And Tickle served coffee and mulligan stew
As higher
And higher
And higher they flew,
Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me too.

Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me too,
Over the sun and beyond the blue.
"Hold on!"
"Stay in!"
"I hope we do!"
Cried Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me too

.Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle too
Never returned to the world they knew,
And nobody
Knows what'sHappened to
Dear Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me too.

to yourself

what has happened to decent conversation? since when has flirting become the only means of attraction? why must one seem desperate, why must one throw themselves at another as a hint or clue? what happened to the appreciation of intelligence, of insight? mindless banter and inane flirtatious mannerisms have become the representation of core.

because of this.. no one will never truly know..

adventure.

what to do with a blank mind? consult jackie. she'll give you a title.. you'll run from there on the bullshit you feel is relevant..

"I will venture this mind..."
although my mind is filled with bodies, faces, and memory like the catacombs that lay underneath the innocent and ignorant, why is it i find myself always at a loss for words, meaning, and again relevance? why does it seem that everything that once held purpose is now secondary? maybe like that of the catacombs, our depth, passion, creativity, and sense of self are too laying beneath ignorance. that our "personal philosophy" will never be....

hurry up&wait

why do i speed up when i know the light is just going to turn red?
i would call it hope but its just stupid
i would call it optimism but its just worthless
in the end i'll just be angry that i missed it..
if i had just gone a little faster...
i just need to take things slow, maybe things will work out then
maybe i wouldnt set myself up for disappointment
maybe i should just fill my head with the sounds that i love because of theyre theraputic quality
maybe i should fill the seats with the people that give me moments of happiness,
and wish for the red lights so i can stop and take a look around me
i'll get there in good time

ever get the feeling or even perfect realization that everything is slipping downhill all of a sudden?
that all at once ..you really see everything and everyone for who or what it really is,
and it leaves you..
almost isolated and confused on where to go,what to do,and who to trust next..
just to return to this very state in a few short years,
months,
weeks,
days
when i will actually learn from my experiences i'll never know.. but for now, i'll continue to subject myself to the fogged reality, only sometimes emerging from the diaphanous shade that keeps me from truely understanding, every second of my being. because this fog, this unclear life i choose to see and live, keeps me ignorant to all the hidden evils of my friends, family, and enemies that i experience, that i am secretly plagued by, everyday of my existence.

endeavor..

[en-dev-er] -noun
a strenuous effort; attempt.

"Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out,

I wish I knew..."

The greatest endeavor of them all: to know why. My desire to understand myself and everyone around me (root of evil or uglniess, kindess, reason altogether) increases with each waking moment, with each new philosophy..

[fi-los-uh-fee] -noun

the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.